I look around, and everyone I see is somehow connected to one another. I have few friends who aren't in the same circle, which I suppose is usually a good thing. I guess what makes it bad, is I'm afraid of who I can talk to about the feelings I have hidden so deep inside of me. Here I am, 20 years old, jobless, living at home, I can't drive, I have a slew of health problems, I'm in a new relationship that I feel I jumped blindly into, debt staring me in the face and no one to confide in. It's really hard.

I feel guilty for the thoughts I've been having lately, but I guess they're normal thoughts to have after you've been with someone for four and a half years. We broke up at the end of January, it's June. That's 5 months, and for four of the five I've been in another relationship. That doesn't seem healthy to me. I mean, it isn't, who am I kidding? It's so hard being in a new relationship when you're not finished with the last one.

Where does my heart lie? Who does it belong to? Has he moved on? Does he still miss me? Does he still want to talk to me? Will we ever meet again? Will we speak again? Has he seen anyone since we split? Did he ever go back to counseling? Did he change? Did he find someone who understands him? Is this what was supposed to happen? Did he graduate? Did his parents work it out? Did his brother go to jail? Where does he live? Does he have a job? Has he been with another girl? Am I allowed to be jealous of that?

I think I should have taken time to be single. A month after breaking up, and almost immediately after I was already practically dating this other man. I feel like I've had an affair. He gave to me what I was lacking in my relationship, but he doesn't give me what I need. I don't believe I'm ready for this commitment, I need something easier. I'm only 20, why am I worrying? I miss him, I admit it. I miss him, and I wish we could meet up to talk, at least just one last time.

We shared something we'll never share with anyone else. Who else is gonna rub lotion on my back? Clean up my bloody vomit after surgery? Drive three hours to get a puppy because I'm lonely? He took me to all my doctor appointments, and as much of an ass as he could be, he still did it. He was there for me when I needed him. That's a lie, and I know it is.

Our relationship was poison by the time it was done, and that's why it finished. But I still wonder what could have been for us. I walked out before we tried to go to therapy. I left before every option had been exhausted. He was willing to stay forever, and although he had his problems. I wonder if maybe I left what was right for me.

Or maybe I'm going back to what I know because I'm scared of what I have. Emotionally, I have everything I need, I think. Maybe not, but I have the things that I was craving in my last relationship. Only now I'm craving other things, in this relationship. And who am I to say it was poison? He stayed with me, despite my health problems, my anxiety problems, my refusal to perform in certain activities. I'm noticed now, I'm appreciated, which is important. I need to feel loved, who doesn't? But I need someone who is mature, and knows what they're doing. He knew that.

I just, lately I've been missing him. Is that wrong? Am I wrong for having these feelings? Am I doing something bad by being in this relationship, and clearly having conflicting feelings?

I used to think I knew what being in love was, but now I have no clue what I'm doing.

"The Ice Is Getting Thinner" - Death Cab For Cutie

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you.

We bury our love in the wintery grave
A lump in the snow was all that remained.
But we stayed by its side as the days turned to weeks
And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak.

And when spring arrived
We were taken by surprise when the floes under our feet bled into the sea
And nothing was left for you and me.

We're not the same, dear,
And it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go
With nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say
But we both know, well, it's true
That the ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.
The ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.




I know you bought a ticket to see them, are you really going alone?