Sometimes this empty feeling takes over me. It usually happens during big changes in my life, or weather changes. Apparently those two things are similar, according to my body. I don't know how I would describe it - lonely doesn't seem right. Misunderstood mayhaps?

I just feel like I'm drifting. Everyone I meet will pass me by in the end. I had so many friends, and they've all gone away. Do I just pick suckers, or is it me? I often wonder why I'm so difficult for people to like. My whole life I've been told that, "it's really hard to love [me]". I've got my more than fair share of enemies, but why do they dislike me? Have I been so cruel to them that I deserve it, or is it something else?

I've been told many times that it's not my fault, people are intimidated by me. I seem to have it all sorted out, I know what I want and where I'm going. I grew up in a nice house, with a nice family, we had pets, I had clothing, food, shelter. People were jealous of the love and kindness that I was surrounded by growing up. But, is that a reason to hate a person? There are people who were once considered very dear to me, who I know sit around talking about me and wishing they could plot against me. That sounds paranoid, I know, but I wouldn't think that if I didn't have evidence given to me to prove it.

So, tell me, why? What is it that's so horrid about me that causes people to hate. To want to ruin me, tear me down. Am I perfect? Absolutely not, not even close! Am I a wretched person? I'd like to think not, but how do I know? It seems every time I make a new friend, it only lasts a few months before they're telling me how I'm worthless. Who tells a fellow human that? Who says to a person the words that they are worthless? It's so harsh, and something no one deserves to be told.

I've never said such a thing to them, never have I used my sharp tongue in a damaging way to cut them so deep. I have never in my life been mean or cruel to them. There have been times where after the fact my tongue may have been sharp, and I may have been cruel, but never to ruin a reputation. I've never gone out of my way to make someone's life miserable. So why do they turn and do that to me?

I'm no better and no worse than any other human, and that is what I do to keep my ego in check. No one is better than I, and I am no better than any one. Yet, they believe they are better than I, and they try to take me down. Right there, in that statement, I feel I just answered my own concern. If one is "better" than another, who does the tearing down? The lesser, or the greater?

I think we know.

I think the best thing I can do right now, is be the best person I can be. I should watch my tongue and what I say, and I should back down and let people live their lives their own way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26fuGZx3y4Y

Seems more than appropriate.

I look around, and everyone I see is somehow connected to one another. I have few friends who aren't in the same circle, which I suppose is usually a good thing. I guess what makes it bad, is I'm afraid of who I can talk to about the feelings I have hidden so deep inside of me. Here I am, 20 years old, jobless, living at home, I can't drive, I have a slew of health problems, I'm in a new relationship that I feel I jumped blindly into, debt staring me in the face and no one to confide in. It's really hard.

I feel guilty for the thoughts I've been having lately, but I guess they're normal thoughts to have after you've been with someone for four and a half years. We broke up at the end of January, it's June. That's 5 months, and for four of the five I've been in another relationship. That doesn't seem healthy to me. I mean, it isn't, who am I kidding? It's so hard being in a new relationship when you're not finished with the last one.

Where does my heart lie? Who does it belong to? Has he moved on? Does he still miss me? Does he still want to talk to me? Will we ever meet again? Will we speak again? Has he seen anyone since we split? Did he ever go back to counseling? Did he change? Did he find someone who understands him? Is this what was supposed to happen? Did he graduate? Did his parents work it out? Did his brother go to jail? Where does he live? Does he have a job? Has he been with another girl? Am I allowed to be jealous of that?

I think I should have taken time to be single. A month after breaking up, and almost immediately after I was already practically dating this other man. I feel like I've had an affair. He gave to me what I was lacking in my relationship, but he doesn't give me what I need. I don't believe I'm ready for this commitment, I need something easier. I'm only 20, why am I worrying? I miss him, I admit it. I miss him, and I wish we could meet up to talk, at least just one last time.

We shared something we'll never share with anyone else. Who else is gonna rub lotion on my back? Clean up my bloody vomit after surgery? Drive three hours to get a puppy because I'm lonely? He took me to all my doctor appointments, and as much of an ass as he could be, he still did it. He was there for me when I needed him. That's a lie, and I know it is.

Our relationship was poison by the time it was done, and that's why it finished. But I still wonder what could have been for us. I walked out before we tried to go to therapy. I left before every option had been exhausted. He was willing to stay forever, and although he had his problems. I wonder if maybe I left what was right for me.

Or maybe I'm going back to what I know because I'm scared of what I have. Emotionally, I have everything I need, I think. Maybe not, but I have the things that I was craving in my last relationship. Only now I'm craving other things, in this relationship. And who am I to say it was poison? He stayed with me, despite my health problems, my anxiety problems, my refusal to perform in certain activities. I'm noticed now, I'm appreciated, which is important. I need to feel loved, who doesn't? But I need someone who is mature, and knows what they're doing. He knew that.

I just, lately I've been missing him. Is that wrong? Am I wrong for having these feelings? Am I doing something bad by being in this relationship, and clearly having conflicting feelings?

I used to think I knew what being in love was, but now I have no clue what I'm doing.

"The Ice Is Getting Thinner" - Death Cab For Cutie

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you.

We bury our love in the wintery grave
A lump in the snow was all that remained.
But we stayed by its side as the days turned to weeks
And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak.

And when spring arrived
We were taken by surprise when the floes under our feet bled into the sea
And nothing was left for you and me.

We're not the same, dear,
And it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go
With nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say
But we both know, well, it's true
That the ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.
The ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.




I know you bought a ticket to see them, are you really going alone?

Scattered Thoughts all over the place

I wish that the words would come out instead of getting stuck in my throat. Why aren't arms supposed to jiggle? Why do people think we need to be rock solid? Who wants to be comforted by a rock solid mommy? I certainly don't, I want my mommy soft and comfortable.

Sometimes I wonder why we're here, and what happens when we're gone. I wonder how the afterlife works, how we're all judged in the end. Do we get judged based on our mental capacity? Do we get judged based on what we knew and didn't know? I guess those are silly questions and the answer is most likely a big yes, but I still wonder.

Is it so wrong of me to want him to rot in prison? Is it so bad that I'm taking all my aggressions out on him? What he did isn't the worst, but it's bad enough. I guess I feel like life's not fair and he's getting a free ride. I know that I should be trying to help him and forgive him, but I'm just so angry that I can't. I don't think I ever will.

But I can't say that, because I'm only 20. And at 20, what do I know? I want so badly to believe that I'm getting where I'm going at the pace I'm supposed to be traveling at. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. I want to accomplish big things. I want to feel smart. I'm not a good singer, or writer, or talker, but I've always been good at pretending I'm smart. I can carry on a conversation and act like I know what's going on, when I have no idea.

Unless it's about sports, and then I just couldn't care less. I hate sports so much. I don't even know why. I just hate them passionately. I mean, I always liked to watch hockey as a kid, even if I had no idea what was happening. Skating is alright. OK, maybe I don't hate sports.

You know, I don't know where I'm going with any of this.