I wish that the words would come out instead of getting stuck in my throat. Why aren't arms supposed to jiggle? Why do people think we need to be rock solid? Who wants to be comforted by a rock solid mommy? I certainly don't, I want my mommy soft and comfortable.
Sometimes I wonder why we're here, and what happens when we're gone. I wonder how the afterlife works, how we're all judged in the end. Do we get judged based on our mental capacity? Do we get judged based on what we knew and didn't know? I guess those are silly questions and the answer is most likely a big yes, but I still wonder.
Is it so wrong of me to want him to rot in prison? Is it so bad that I'm taking all my aggressions out on him? What he did isn't the worst, but it's bad enough. I guess I feel like life's not fair and he's getting a free ride. I know that I should be trying to help him and forgive him, but I'm just so angry that I can't. I don't think I ever will.
But I can't say that, because I'm only 20. And at 20, what do I know? I want so badly to believe that I'm getting where I'm going at the pace I'm supposed to be traveling at. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. I want to accomplish big things. I want to feel smart. I'm not a good singer, or writer, or talker, but I've always been good at pretending I'm smart. I can carry on a conversation and act like I know what's going on, when I have no idea.
Unless it's about sports, and then I just couldn't care less. I hate sports so much. I don't even know why. I just hate them passionately. I mean, I always liked to watch hockey as a kid, even if I had no idea what was happening. Skating is alright. OK, maybe I don't hate sports.
You know, I don't know where I'm going with any of this.
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